The Power of a (Grand) Mother

My mother, Barbara, passed away in 2009 following a four year battle with cancer. After our dad's unexpected death from a heart attack in 2002 at the age of 66, mom remained as our family's Chief Emotional Officer. Where his death was sudden and shocking, hers was drawn out and exhausting. At our annual family meeting my two brothers, two sisters and I held shortly after her death, we reflected on the seven years we had with her following dad's death, we honored some very important things she accomplished for our family.

Ten years prior to my dad's death, our family started a conversation about our 700 acre woodland known as the Blue Den Ranch. Mom and dad purchased this property in 1964 and all of us grew up on the ranch, but had moved away from home after graduating from high school. As with many families, my brothers and sisters and I scattered around the globe – at one point the closest one was 3,000 miles from home. At the time we began this conversation, I had just moved “back home” to Oregon with my wife and children to be part of the ranch operations after having lived in the Midwest for a decade.

As a result of this family conversation, my mom and dad created a family limited partnership and placed our woodland into this partnership. They started gifting ownership of this entity to us five children, and we began having annual family meetings to discuss the operations of the property, but more importantly, to discuss the future of the property and of our family. Dad was the driving force behind these meetings, and after he passed on mom played a critical role in getting the leadership of our family enterprise shifted to the next generation. As the one that both mom and dad chose to lead the next generation, mom continued to work with me to help me earn this place of leadership in our family. She worked behind the scenes keeping my brothers and sisters talking with each other and with me as we made this awkward transition in leadership. She kept reminding us to love each other and remember that we were brothers and sisters as well as business partners. Whenever we got sideways with each other she would gently bring us back together in a spirit of forgiveness and respect for each other's gifts and abilities.

One of the most important things that mom did was to connect the grandchildren with each other. Between her five children there are 18 grandchildren. Over those seven years after dad’s passing, mom took groups of the grandchildren on different trips together, and managed to take each grandchild on at least one trip with her and some of their cousins. Some she took to Hawaii, some to Washington DC, others to Disneyland - depending on their age and interest. Prior to her final illness, we all took a cruise to Alaska together with her. In all of these adventures everyone had a great time and created memories of their grandmother and a love for their cousins that they will carry with them all their lives.

At our family meetings we always have a time of reflection and sharing on "Why should we continue to own this property - what about it is important to me?" This is something that we do each time we gather for a family meeting, but for the first time we invited all of the grandchildren to participate in the discussion. While each person shared something different, one of the common themes was that this property, and our partnership, gave us an excuse to continue being a family. Many of the grandchildren shared that they viewed their cousins more as brothers or sisters because of the close relationships they had developed by spending time together with their grandma and out on the property together. They were adamant that we, their parents, do everything we could to ensure we passed this legacy intact to them! The grandchildren - ranging in age from 7 to 27, also contributed their ideas and interests or the future of the property, and their strong desire to help us accomplish these shared goals.

Our dad expressed to us many times his desire to see this property remain in our family for a thousand generations. He viewed the property as a legacy, an heirloom that he wanted to see treasured by the family across the generations. Early on in our planning, we came to the conclusion that we could not force this legacy onto future generations, rather we needed to create a structure where each succeeding generation could develop their own connections to the land and to each other. While dad's legacy to us is this structure and vision for the future, mom's legacy is the example and reminder that unconditional love and respect for each other as family members is the glue that binds us together and makes an intergenerational family enterprise possible. It was clear in our family meeting that we have successfully begun this transfer of passion and love for this property and for each other to the third generation.

There are many roles that need to be filled in a successful family. A role that many mothers and grandmothers play is that of Chief Emotional Officer. This person keeps the peace by calling on our better natures and reminding us to do the right thing even when it is difficult. A family without love is just a group of people sharing living space. The self-sacrificial love we learn as members of a family - the giving of ourselves for each other just because we are family - is at the heart of any successful family enterprise. Our family is still a family because of the example of love that our mom shared with all of us. Our challenge in this and succeeding generations will be to raise up new Chief Emotional Officers for our extended family to keep us all loving and respecting each other as we work together to keep this legacy intact for future generations.

To learn more on this topic, register for Cannon Trust I.

Copyright ©2015 Clint Bentz - All Rights Reserved

Subscribe to Cannon Insights at http://www.cannonfinancial.com/newsletter/subscribe

About the Author
Clint Bentz is a CPA and partner at Boldt Carlisle + Smith in Oregon, specializing in estate and succession planning. He and his parents were recognized as the 2002 National Outstanding Tree Farmers of the Year. He is a founder and board member of the Ties to the Land Initiative at Oregon State University’s Austin Family Business Program and is also the Past Chairman of the American Forest Foundation.